Darkness of December

Darkness swarmed all around me. I was being taken down into a pit of sorrow and confusion. The edges of my vision faded to grays and gave way to a blackness that threatened my world with an uncertainty meant to derail and swallow me whole.

But this time was different.

I saw the tidal wave of grief and heartache mounting in the not too far distance and the gap between it and I was closing quickly. I felt the walls of my motherly instincts grow and the fortress of my strength fortified itself against the incoming onslaught of emotion. Navigating the highs and lows of raising an aware child who’s attuned to the environment around him and beyond comes with it’s own set of challenges that I welcome with open arms and a hunger for learning how to be the best supporter and nurturer I can be.

And for the first time in a long time, I felt the depths grip my ankles and threaten to take me down into the pitfalls of what I cannot control.

But I remembered something, something that I’ve been working on. And with that thought alone, a lifeline came cascading down the growing tidal wave and I no longer sought to avoid the incoming despair. No. I stared into the might of this new opponent and stepped closer to the discomfort of the murk filled wave.

I cried harder than I have in a very long time. I released the pent up energy and let it flow through me. Just as my child did in my arms. He knew the only way to get past it was through it. How amazing are they when we let them trust themselves and their instincts. As the crushing of my chest continued, I felt the pain and the walls around me wanting to crumble. They shook with every tear that fell. But I saw a light glinting at the apex of that wave of turmoil. It winked at me through the turbulent waters and the whitecaps that grew. And I knew, I knew that this would not last forever.

The darkness started to give way to lighter grays, and the climb continued. The lifeline of gratitude for such an intense experience grew. And with every acknowledgment of the storm and reminder of the light that waits, my appreciation for the darkness grew.

“Without the darkness, I would not grow in strength.”

Once the tirade of emotion subsided and the aftermath of expelling so much pain and sorrow set in, gratitude filled me. I no longer felt sorry for myself or for the hardship my little man has and is going through. This opportunity to teach him how to accept the despair and turn it into strength is an honor to have and hold. One that I embrace and am using to instill in him a deeper connection to himself and his love for others, and the strength behind such powerful energy within us.

Teaching him, is teaching me. Elevating myself, elevates him. And the tidal wave became a welcome friend, a tool to wield in the journey that unfolds before me. Without the lows there would be no highs. Without darkness, there would be no light.

This is how the pathways open. How the light burns bright. How the future is forged. I am a mapmaker and I am carving the pathways for you to follow.

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